Posted on July 30 2013
Limousines change people.
It’s a proven fact.
If you don’t believe me, than it might incite me to suggest that you have not ridden in nearly enough limos in your lifetime — Which is sad, because like, how’d you get to grad? Now, I’m not certain as to whether it’s the extended length of the otherwise sub-par mode of transportation, or if it’s the make-shift stripper poles—so often installed as a “bonus feature” — that activates the certain alter-ego persona exposed within the realms of an elongated backseat; but here are the five people you’re sure to meet in a limo:
1. The Sun-Roof Hollerer
Okay, so this one’s obvious. In any given limo, at any given time, there is always the guy — you know, the small town farm boy wearing multi-colored Osiris shoes — insistent on spending the entire ride with his upper-body dangling out of the sun roof window. He’s also likely making obscure gang-signs with his hands and yelling whatever rap-lyrics he can think of off the top of his head, in order to let everyone know that he is, in fact, in a limo…Bitch!
2. The Dancing Girls
I don’t know what it is, but whenever a girl gets into a limo — myself included — it’s as if we experience this inexplicable calling to dance despite the fact that there really isn’t any room to dance; despite the fact that every turn, brake, or acceleration the driver makes sends us hurling in all directions, spilling drinks on people laps and messing up our hair ‘do’s; despite the fact that a vehicular floorboard is not a dance floor, and our moves aren’t even that good, anyway.
3. The Bottle-Popper
The bottle-popper is an O.G. for real, yo. He’s probably the one that ordered the limo in the first place, but will ask you all to empty your pockets when it’s time to pay up because he spent all his cash on the $9 bottles of bubbly. And likely, he’ll over-shake the baby-duck and then “pop dem bottles” incessantly, leaving cork-shaped dents in the limo’s ceiling and purple stains on the interior.
4. The Spur-of-the-Moment Gangsta
The “Spur-of-the-Moment Gangsta” is not a “gangsta” at all. But while the limo’s in motion, it will be hard for him or her to resist the urge to spit out the lyrics of some old school Biggie Smalls. And while there is nothing wrong with The Notorious B.I.G., there is most definitely something wrong with getting the lyrics to “Juicy” wrong, because you’re in a limo and too drunk to remember Rappin’ Duke, duh-ha, duh-ha.
5. The Panty-Less Damsel-in-a-Dress
And last but not least, haven’t we learned that Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton are not good role models after all? Haven’t we learned that while riding in a limousine and wearing short dresses — all the while, likely dancing around as we covered in point #2 — it’s imperative to wear proper under garments? Haven’t we learned that while flashing va-jay-jay might get us our 15 minutes of fame, it will also greatly hinder our chances of becoming the first female President (or the 2nd female Prime Minister, in the case of Canadians).